


when we all fall asleep (where do we go?)

by RDcantRead



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Existential Angst, Existential Crisis, Existentialism, Falling In Love, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Roger Taylor (Queen), Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Sad Roger Taylor (Queen), Suicidal Ideation, Time Loop, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:53:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24935593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RDcantRead/pseuds/RDcantRead
Summary: It's a scientific fact that there's no drag on the moon, and if that's not an elaborate metaphor, then Roger doesn't know what is.(or; Roger's stuck in a time loop, all that's left is to get out.)
Relationships: Mentioned John Deacon/Brian May/Freddie Mercury/Roger Taylor
Comments: 8
Kudos: 17





	when we all fall asleep (where do we go?)

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文-普通话 國語 available: [当我们睡着了（我们该去哪儿？）](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26776774) by [infiniteandfinitelimmortalite_123](https://archiveofourown.org/users/infiniteandfinitelimmortalite_123/pseuds/infiniteandfinitelimmortalite_123)



> Title from Billie Eilish's album "When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?"

**i.**

There's no drag on the moon.

It's a scientific fact that there is no air resistance on the moon. There's no drag on the moon, and if that's not an elaborate metaphor, he doesn't know what is. 

**cclxv.**

It takes 365.2422 days for the earth to complete a full rotation around the sun. This number is frequently rounded up to 365.25 and, among the general populace, simply 365. Roger wonders how many days it's been. 

**x.**

The word "loony" - meaning "crazy" - or "lunatic" is derived from the Latin word "luna" meaning moon. It's funny to Roger, it shouldn't be, but it is because Roger knows he's crazy, who wouldn't be?

It's funny because Roger's crazy, he's loony, he's a lunatic and everyone knows that there's no air resistance on the moon. 

There's nothing to keep you from falling on the moon. 

And once you've fallen, there's nothing to slow your descent.

**ii.**

The second time it's strange because Roger knows all the media surrounding time loops, the way there's only one way out and infinite probabilities but if he's being honest - his time loop is worse. 

Yeah, the endlessly repeating days get boring after a while, but it's a shorter space of time, and twenty-four hours isn't actually that long in the grand scheme of things. 

**lii.**

There are 52.143 weeks in a year. The general populace shortens that number to 52. Roger has lost track of the weeks. 

**vii.**

I start on a Monday and end on a Sunday. What am I? (It's the greatest riddle of all time.)

(A time loop.) Roger's stuck in a self-replicating universe and he doubts he's travelling back in time, it's very improbable, actual time travel would likely disrupt the flow of the timeline. Unless the timeline was actually disrupted the first time around and this is the universe trying to correct.

**m.**

That theory also seems unlikely, given that if the universe knew of the disruption it was trying to correct and had the power to send someone to correct it, wouldn't they be able to isolate the incident more?

He wants to go home. _He wants to go home._

**xi.**

There's a theory Roger's developed - though he's using the word theory lightly, a hypothesis would be more accurate - that the brain tries to find an explanation for what it does not understand, even if there is no explanation. He's developed it after trying to convince his bandmates, his best friends that he's stuck in a time loop and needs help getting out.

**lvi.**

He misses them. He misses friendship and companionship and love.

**cccdlxvi.**

The problem with Roger's predicament isn't the infinite possibilities, it's that nothing went wrong on the week that got looped. That's what he's calling it. The Week that got Looped. It's kind of catchy, even if he's the only one who will ever use it. That's... morbid. 

**clxii.**

(Nothing to keep you from falling.)

(Once you've fallen, once you're crazy, there's nothing to slow your descent.)

**mmmcccxxvii.**

Why does it have to be Roger? Why him? Why him? Why him? WHY HIM? 

Roger's scared.

**v.**

He's stuck. And there's no way out. What do they teach you in school? Right, keep your head down and shut the fuck up.

**xxiii.**

There are 23 hours and 56 minutes in a day. The number is frequently rounded up to 24 hours 0 minutes by the general populace. 

(How much time are we losing?)

**lxx.**

It's much easier to prove you're in a time loop when the time loop lasts only a day. Roger's found that there's so much shit to remember in a week, tiny moments that mean nothing, insignificant to anyone.

But isn't the universe trillions of years old?

How significant is insignificant?

How is Roger meant to know if what he's doing has any meaning at all? Does anyone ever really make an impact? How big is your impact to be counted as meaningful? In that case, is the human race meaningful at all?

Roger used to laugh at Brian's "space brain" existential crises. He's not laughing now.

**mmmcccxxiii.**

He's committed suicide at least once. He knows that much. It all just blends together. There's something to be said about having trauma from experiencing the same mundane life over and over again. He doesn't know what it is that's to be said, maybe it simply is.

Does anything have to be stated or can it simply exist?

Time is running out. Time is running out. Time is running out. (How can time run out when Roger has an infinite amount of time?)

(He's falling and accelerating and accelerating and _accelerating_ and there's no air resistance on the moon.)

**cclxxix.**

How can he go back? How can he go back to drumming in a globally successful rock band when he's been through this? (Queen Queen Queen - they rule _nothing_.)

**mmdccclxxvi.**

They say that some people only want to watch the world burn, Roger thinks it might be him.

**cdxix.**

This time, Roger thinks that he's going to try and do everything the opposite way. (Newsflash! It doesn't work like that. (It never works like that.)) 

There's no manual to tell you what works in time loops.

**mmdclxii.**

Maybe he's in a coma, and this is his karma.

**vi.**

Maybe he's actually crossing dimensions, leaving worlds behind as he struggles to find the real one.

**ccclxiii.**

Can anything ever be truly complete? Maybe all of existence is an enormous time loop.

Maybe Roger is just fucking crazy.

**xlvi.**

He's spent so long in this torture that he struggles to remember the faded memories of years past. Years spent with his friends, on tour, with his various girlfriends, making music, playing, performing, parading. He's isolated and alone, and there's no one in the world who could ever understand.

**dc.**

He tries new things, things that he wouldn't ever try in case of the consequences, but there are no consequences, so why the hell not?

**il.**

There are multiple theories regarding the creation of the universe, and how that might impact on the end of it. Roger’s favourite theory is that the universe goes back like an elastic band and re-creates the universe once more, looping forever and ever.

**xcix.**

(Please. Please. I don't wanna be here anymore. I can't take it. I... )

**c.**

(When.)

**ci.**

(You're.)

**cii.**

(In.)

**ciii.**

(A.)

**civ.**

(Time.)

**cv.**

(Loop.)

**cvi.**

(When.)

**cvii.**

(Does.)

**cviii.**

(It.)

**cvix.**

(Start?)

**cx.**

He's different. Roger's different, and if he ever gets out of this hell he's living, he won't be the same Roger Taylor his friends knew.

**mvii.**

He's tried not sleeping. But when he stays up that night on Sunday, it's the Monday previous.

(Time is relative. In all aspects of the word. In most cases, people assume it's about speed, and how the faster you go, the slower time goes. Roger does not mean it like that.)

**iii.**

Time is essentially meaningless. Why give a name to a second, a minute, an hour? Why say, "I'll see you in an hour."? Why is there a widely accepted definition for an hour that we spoon feed everyone? Time is relative, why does it matter if it's Monday or Friday, Roger's still in a time loop, and he's never going to be free.

If he gets out, Roger's thinking, he'll probably be admitted to a psychiatric hospital, or he’ll kill himself. He just wants it all to end.

**cmxcix.**

In Norse Mythology, what is assumed to be the end of the world - a type of armageddon - is called Ragnarok, this Ragnarok isn’t actually the end of all things, it’s a cycle, and it repeats the previous incarnations forever and ever.

**ix.**

People react the same way when presented with questions, and when you can predict their reactions, you know what they're thinking. Roger doesn't mean this as "all people are the same" he means it on an individual level. His friends are boring because there's nothing new to give. He still enjoys their company - how could he not? - but how can he be bothered to spend time with them when he knows what's going to happen?

**cmxcviii.**

This is Roger’s Ragnarok.

**lix.**

He's terrified. He's scared and frightened, and there's nothing he can do to stop his torment.

**ccxxxviii.**

The moon is 238,855 miles away from Earth. Roger thinks that this distance is comparable to the distance between him and everyone else.

**dcclxxvii.**

When he falls asleep, Roger dreams. He dreams of friends, and music and fans and playing and he dreams of existence and voids and numbness and gaps and death.

How much information is the brain equipped to hold? Because Roger doesn't know how much room is left.

**lxxxviii.**

(I'm vast and unending and no one understands me, what am I?)

(Torment.)

It's relentless and suffocating and Roger doesn't know when it started, but there's nothing to stop it. (There's no air resistance on the moon.)

How many times has Roger been here? How many times has he experienced this?

**mdclxxxiii.**

The funny thing is, when this started, Roger thought that it would be a fun way to get to know his bandmates better. As it kept going, Roger thinks he even fell in love with them. It's easier to fall in love than out of love, and here's why; it's easier to accept.

**cmxlix.**

The question that will always go unanswered is "why him?" It's a valid question with no evidence to support any answer. There's no reason why it should be him, but also no reason why it shouldn't be, or why it should be someone else. It simply is. 

That seems to be a theme.

**dii.**

(Life is beautiful, and what Roger's doing isn't living.)

**vi.**

One of the worst things is that there's nobody for Roger to get angry at, nobody to hate or incriminate, only him. Maybe this is all an elaborate experiment and none of it is real?

Roger hates this. He hates this with a burning passion, the fiery temper he's often been condemned for lighting the sparks of his hatred.

**mmm.**

What if, imagine this, he is actually in a simulation, but there's a scratch on the disc, you know the ones, where the music stops and skips back to a point before and all you can do is skip that section of the song.

**mmmi.**

Roger's going to build a time machine, and he's going to skip this section of the song - sorry boys, no drums today!

**mmmii.**

How can a time machine be built in a week? Roger doesn't know, but he's planning on finding out. (Time is running out. Time is running out. Time is running out.)

**mmmiii.**

There’s no way to build a time machine in a week. Roger just isn’t smart enough, isn’t good enough, just isn’t enough.

**mmmiv.**

Why is he doing this?

**mmmv.**

What's the point?

**mmmvi.**

Is the point escaping torment, is that it?

**mmmvii.**

_Why???_

**mmmviii.**

What will be so different outside of here?

**mmmix.**

Why must you fall apart?

**mmmx.**

Why do we fall?

**i.**

(There's no air resistance on the moon. That means that there's nothing to stop you accelerating as you fall and all that you can do is hit the ground faster than you ever could on Earth.)


End file.
